It’s Ok to Say No…

“Live your life for you, not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself”

“No” it’s a small word that packs a lot of power. As toddlers we could easily use this word ‘No’, but as we grew up somehow, we turned allergic to use this word. They taught us that saying “no” is a negative thing that hurts people around us. No wonder why some adults are so uncomfortable saying it.

Don’t you think it’s our right to say NO?

Its roots lie in childhood where we didn’t feel we could get love simply by being ourselves. Strict parenting or insecure parenting, whatever style it may be, made us as a people pleaser.

For many years I lived in a constant state of overwhelm, resentment and guilt. Just because I couldn’t say, “No”.

Saying no is so difficult, even if when you know it’s draining all your energy. You are uncomfortable, frustrated and exhausted, but you are so busy in pleasing the other person that saying no seems like climbing a mountain.

Isn’t that unfair to yourself and even for the other person too? It only builds frustration and resentment in you.

Learn to respect your feelings. Give yourself that importance and love.

· Fear of conflict

Many of us are afraid of conflict. In order to avoid battles with our loved ones, we avoid saying no to them. What if they stop loving us? We don’t want to disappoint them or hurt their feelings.

·   Feeling of guilt

What if the person really needs me? If I don’t say yes, the person will feel bad or hurt. The feeling of constant guilt haunts you.

 · Having poor relationships

 Initially, it will be all good, saying yes to friends, loved ones, etc. But in the long run, you will start feeling manipulated. Co-dependency on your partner will increase and then it will be no longer a healthy relationship.

 · You lose your personal identity

We are so busy pleasing people that we stop focussing on what we want. “I don’t want to go to a movie today, but I’ll go for his happiness.” “I don’t want to drink, but then he will be missing my company.” Where is your personal identity, your personal choice? Pleasing someone may sound good, but it leads to self-neglect and self-sacrifice.

I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.

And that’s when I realised why it is so difficult for me to say NO.

Politely Say No

• “I’m sorry- I can’t do this right now.”
• Avoid giving all sorts of reasons.
• Don’t lie. Lying will make you feel more guilty and that’s the feeling you are trying to avoid.
• Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
• Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.” But I was really occupied somewhere.
• Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just leave you feel even more stressed.
• Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.

Now, once you have mastered the skill of saying “No” you will overcome the fear of rejection and you will feel in control. The guilt, resentment and stress will no longer trouble you. Instead, you will feel more empowered.

Remember, when you say no to others and things you don’t want, you are saying yes to something better–Yourself.  

“Learn to say no, so that you can say yes to your well-being.”